Still trying

I thought I was doing ok. And I guess I still am. But today has not been a good day for me. Things were going great up until I got to church. I got the girls ready like normal by myself ( for those who don't know Tim has meetings every Sunday before church) and was on my way. I wasn't even going to be late, which is always nice. So the minute I sat down I started to get emotional. I had someone ask me how I was doing and I was just sitting so still trying not to lose it. Then I noticed more people than usual... for a baby blessing. I tried to swallow that huge lump in my throat. I was sitting so still just trying to compose myself and a few tears slipped out. Tim looked over and realized that I was upset. Even now writing this is hard for me. As they announced the baby blessing and everyone was going up front for it is when I completely lost it. I immediately booked it out of the chapel and into the mothers room where it was dark. I was full on bawling- my biggest worry had come true. The only thing that brought me back to reality was that right after I left our seats Hailey said she had to go potty and Tim had her come after me. Our church building is really old and the mother's room is connected to the women's bathroom. Hailey poked her head in and said "mommy" and of course I had to get up and help her. If it wasn't for her I probably would have sobbed the entire rest of sacrement meeting. Luckily I was able to compose myself enough to return for the rest of the meeting. But my mood didn't really improve much. So here I am... at home again because this is my safe place.

I suppose I need to give myself some credit. I got up today, got me and the girls ready for church, and we went. I know that I'm a pretty emotionally tough person, but I can't expect myself to never have a hard time with things. I thought that I was ok with everything, but it turns out that I'm not as insensitive as I thought I was. Yes I'm stil grieving. I still have that emptiness inside. But I know the fact that I'm putting the pieces of my life back together is a good thing. The fact that I'm even trying... that feels good.