Trying

So I almost made it yesterday without crying...

almost...

I was talking with the hubbie while we were laying in bed and I said how it's weird that we've already lost a baby. We seem too young... too... I just don't know how to put it into words. It just doesn't seem like something that should have happened to us... but it did. And I know that they are common and not unusual and that it just happens when the baby wasn't developing properly... but it still is just shocking to think about. And then I think about all those I know who have experienced the death of a loved one in their life and it just breaks my heart.

Grief is a very hard thing to deal with. And I'm not sure if I'm dealing with it the right way, but then I guess I'm just doing what works for me and that has to be right.

I finally went out of the house by myself last night and got the few groceries that our house desperately needed. I saw someone that I knew and I almost had a panic attack. My heart literally started beating so hard that I thought it might jump straight out of my chest. I purposely avoided this person (sorry if that was you- it wasn't personal). Somehow within less than a week I've become this unsocial recluse that doesn't want to talk to anyone. Or more like I've kept my sadness in check when I'm by myself, but I'm unsure of how I'm going to do around others. Guess I'm going to have to put that to the ultimate test tonight. I'm going to mutual. Why? One so I don't have to be without Tim tonight. I guess the other reason is so that I can try and start resuming my calling duties a bit.

Tim said something to me last night as well... about how I don't always have to be the "tough" one and that it's ok to cry. I told him that I knew that and that I felt that I had cried and grieved a lot. But I also told him that my biggest worry is that I have such a control on my crying right now that I'm worried that something will trigger it and I won't be able to stop... and I'll turn into a bawling crying mess who can't function during daily life. And it was after that I started crying.