A new day

Yesterday was extremely hard on me. I've always wondered if I've possibly miscarried before and never realized it... and then yesterday happened and I know for a fact that I have never experienced this before. Nothing that the dr said could have possibly prepared me for what was going to happen. It was devastating to pass your own baby and know that's what it was. At one point it shocked me so much that I screamed and then I started bawling. It was very upsetting, but I think that the worst of it is over thankfully.

Now to try and move on with things. I really feel that my prayers were answered. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers in the way that we want or expect him to, but he did for me this time. I prayed to feel calm about things and to be ok with it. I'm still sad, especially when I start to think about things, but that is perfectly normal. I miss my baby. I miss that sweet little angel and I probably will every day. But overall I feel mostly at piece about what has happened. Next I really prayed that things would happen fast and natural at home. I didn't want any of this drawn out any longer. I just wanted to be over and done with it. This probably sounds insensitive, but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to feel pregnant or look pregnant. I want the crazy hormones gone and I want to fit back into my clothes. And I want to get things back to normal- but on my own terms and no one else's. So I will take things day by day.

So today is a new day. I feel ok for the most part. I'm emotionally exhausted. I had Tim take today off of work so he took us out for breakfast this morning. I started to tear up a few times while we were gone. And I didn't even eat half of my breakfast. But I went out of the house! That was big for me! Of course I wanted to come right back home after that. I've decided to take one positive step though. We're heading to the fair shortly here. My choice. I want us all to get out of the house and have fun together as a family and not think about anything that has happened. Of course the girls haven't really been affected, but for Tim and I, it's a great way to take our mind off of everything and see our girls laugh and smile. And maybe us laugh and smile a little too.

I'm not usually one to quote scriptures, but I liked these:

"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"But blessed at they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for then shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5)

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worth of my kingdom" (D&C 136:31)

~~~~A good friend of mine wrote me something that really hit home~~~~

That He gives us more than we can handle so that we have to rely on Him to get through is....

And I couldn't agree more. I have definitely relied on the grace of Jesus to help me get through this.

So I'm off to take my mind off of everything. Maybe too soon for some, but for me it feels just right. I have 2 beautiful girls that would love seeing the animals and going on rides. And we're going to do just that.