I haven't hardly stepped foot out of my house. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone or see anyone in person. It hurts too bad. I see the sympathy in their eyes and I just can't handle it right now. I'm well aware that people want to help in any way they can- but I just don't want most of it. Why?!! Because it hurts too much and then I turn into a crying mess again. Thankfully Tim has been home with me the entire time to deal w/ my phone and answer the door. So please don't take it personally if I don't answer your call. I'm just not ready to yet. Unspoken words are much easier for me right now. That is unless I take the time to really think about them and digest them- which I'm not allowing myself to do right now.
Yesterday was easier for me. I think because things were pretty fresh people left me alone. But I tried to stay busy at home with my girls and Tim and to keep my mind preoccupied. Not much really happened with me. But today is different. I've been cramping a lot and each time it kills me. Because I know that each time it happens is because I'm losing the baby. Yes I knew it would happen, but it's not making it any easier. Yesterday was easy because when it was just barely starting I was able to keep my mind off of it. But the constant cramps makes it unable to not think about it. And how much it hurts to think about my little one. But then I smile when I picture our Heavenly Father welcoming that child into his arms and knowing that the day will come when I will see that child again.
I've had almost no appetite. And I can hear some people saying oh that's not good. You need to take care of yourself. Ya well they'd probably be seeing an unpleasant finger waving their way. Sorry just how I feel right now. You lose a baby and tell me how you freakin feel. Part of me wants to just bury my emotions in food, but then when I look at it it looks gross. And yesterday I did manage to get 2 meals in, but they were both pretty bland tasting. And not because of the food because Tim ate the exact same meals and was very pleased.
I'm not writing any of this to make anyone sad. Mainly it's for myself. To get my feelings out feels very therapeutic to me right now. Especially since I can't about it to anyone but Tim right now because it just upsets me. And even talking about it to Tim too much makes me emotional. And I just know if I sat here to myself and didn't get a single word out about how I'm feeling- whether it's a written or spoken word- I would go NUTS! I would probably turn into a depressed unsocial monster and have a hard time picking myself back up from it. And while I'm unsocial right now I feel like it's ok. I'm allowed my grieving and personal time. And if you have a problem with that then whatever. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish and I don't care right now. I'm taking a lot of me time. But also if this helps someone else out there who has gone through this or is going through this then I hope it does in some way or another.
So to anyone else out there I really appreciate the words of strength and love. I know that there are many people out there who have us in their thoughts and prayers and it really means a lot right now.
3 comments:
yes,christy,grief is a very selfish process. i am sorry you have to go through this.
Christy,
What you are feeling is normal. It's okay to be 'selfish' and withdrawn. There is no need to put a timeline on it either. You had hopes and dreams for your baby and had probably already thought about how next summer you would have a little one, then those dreams were crushed.
Please know that you aren't alone, there are people out there who know what it feels like, maybe not your exact feelings, but the disappointment and anger and hurt and the question of 'why me?'
You will grow from this. We can't know happiness without the pain and sorrow. Things like this put us at our rock bottom of it all, but there is light ahead and you realize what really matters and what real joy is.
Love and thoughts sent your way. Please let me know if you need anything. Also, writing was one thing that got me through all my heartache. It's a great outlet and even better, you don't actually have to talk to anyone.
No one should have to go through this! I'm so sorry! I've had many close friends experience this and from my end I've learned to express my love and concern and wait for them to talk about it! I think it's VERY healthy that you're blogging about your loss and I pray for you to be comforted!
My heart hurts for you and I hope yours heals!
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