The unanswered question

Why??? A question that we have to just leave sometimes knowing that our Heavenly Father knows what is best. Not always an easy answer to stomach though is it.

I had the worst dr appt today I think that anyone can have. At least I know it's the worst I've ever had to have. When you go in excited to hear the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine only to find out that the baby is no longer alive. That sweet little spirit that you've really started to get excited about has gone back to live with our Heavenly Father again. I know that I'll see that child of mine again someday, but right now it doesn't really make this any easier. It's amazing how carrying a child for such a short time can have an impact on you as a mother. Even though I have 2 perfectly healthy girls, my heart still aches terribly for the loss.

I have so many emotions running through me right now and I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode on someone. At first I was left in the ultrasound room and then I was taken to wait in another room... and wait and wait and wait. Seriously?!! You tell me that I've lost the baby and then put me into another room bawling and expect me to wait forever- No! I don't want to be here- I want to leave and cry and curl into a little ball until the pain goes away. I was so angry about how long I had to wait to see my dr. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's not anyone's fault, especially not my drs. Still didn't change how I felt though. I was so lucky to have Tim there with me. He had come for the ultrasound and there was no way I could drive home after all of that. I feel bad because I was upset for him acting so calm about everything. But I guess I can't expect him to feel the same way as I do, especially because I was the one carrying the baby and filled with my crazy hormones. And after all has happened I feel very blessed that he was able to keep calm and collected about everything because we have 2 little angels that need to be taken care of still. Right now I love him more than ever, especially for being my rock through this.

I think part of what makes this harder is that I'm techincally still pregnant right now. I still look like I'm pregnant- yes I'm showing already- and feel like I"m pregnant. I still have the crazy hormones in me and I'm an emotional wreck. There was a 5 wk old baby that showed on the ultrasound so I'm still waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen- there I said it- miscarriage. That word is so hard for me to deal with right now. And then I'm at risk for an infection because it should have already happened. I've had some bleeding off and on today, but nothing as to what I should expect yet. So I have to go back into the dr in another week and a half to make sure things have happened and if not we have to use other methods. Great- that's just what I want to think about for the next week and a half. Because everytime I think about it I start crying. Poor Hailey was rubbing my back saying it's ok mommy. What a sweet little thing she is.

Sorry if this offends anyone. It has really helped me to write this all down and I suppose you don't have to read it if you don't want to. Though everytime I think about it I start to cry again. And even being close to Tim makes me cry too because it was our child that I lost. In the end I know that there was nothing I did to make this happen. I'm healthier than I was when I was preg w/ both the girls, I don't drink or smoke, I'm only 26, exercise regularly, and overall live a pretty healthy life. It just wasn't meant to me, but knowing that still doesn't make this any easier right now. So little one- mommy misses you already. I never got to see your sweet face or snuggle you to sleep, but I KNOW I will meet you one day. That's probably the one thing that is taking the edge off of the pain in my heart right now. That and knowing that I have an amazing husband and girls who are always there for me.