Still trying

I thought I was doing ok. And I guess I still am. But today has not been a good day for me. Things were going great up until I got to church. I got the girls ready like normal by myself ( for those who don't know Tim has meetings every Sunday before church) and was on my way. I wasn't even going to be late, which is always nice. So the minute I sat down I started to get emotional. I had someone ask me how I was doing and I was just sitting so still trying not to lose it. Then I noticed more people than usual... for a baby blessing. I tried to swallow that huge lump in my throat. I was sitting so still just trying to compose myself and a few tears slipped out. Tim looked over and realized that I was upset. Even now writing this is hard for me. As they announced the baby blessing and everyone was going up front for it is when I completely lost it. I immediately booked it out of the chapel and into the mothers room where it was dark. I was full on bawling- my biggest worry had come true. The only thing that brought me back to reality was that right after I left our seats Hailey said she had to go potty and Tim had her come after me. Our church building is really old and the mother's room is connected to the women's bathroom. Hailey poked her head in and said "mommy" and of course I had to get up and help her. If it wasn't for her I probably would have sobbed the entire rest of sacrement meeting. Luckily I was able to compose myself enough to return for the rest of the meeting. But my mood didn't really improve much. So here I am... at home again because this is my safe place.

I suppose I need to give myself some credit. I got up today, got me and the girls ready for church, and we went. I know that I'm a pretty emotionally tough person, but I can't expect myself to never have a hard time with things. I thought that I was ok with everything, but it turns out that I'm not as insensitive as I thought I was. Yes I'm stil grieving. I still have that emptiness inside. But I know the fact that I'm putting the pieces of my life back together is a good thing. The fact that I'm even trying... that feels good.

Put away your phone already!!!

Hmm... I must be starting to feel more like myself to have a post like this.
And I can honestly say that I am.
Part of me feels a little insensitive for not feeling sad and miserable longer, but I'm honestly glad that I don't. I want to be ok with it. I want to move on. I want to be a fun and happy mom to my girls and to be the wife that my husband deserves.

So anyways we went to Red Robin tonight for dinner. Score for me since it's been over a week since I've cooked dinner. Ugh guess that's going to have to change if I'm really going to get back into my old routine... But anyways back to pet peeves. I have many. Shocking right, lol?!
So one of my biggest ones by far is when people are out to dinner... and they can't put away their cell phones... especially when they are out to dinner as a family. So while mom and dad sat on one side of the table both on separate phones their son- probably about 6 years old or so sat across the table from them and not a word was spoken. Wow- way to go mom and dad. Great parenting and family time.

I can do this

I finally had a distinct feeling today that I'm going to be just fine. I feel this thick cloud that's been surrounding me start to lift away. I know that it will take time, but my smile will come back. I will learn to laugh and socialize just like I did before and I will get through this.

Last night was the first time that I've been around that many people. I had one of my YW come up and hug me and say that she was sorry about my miscarriage. Exact words. Took me back a little and I was really trying to be nice since I'm supposed to be the adult and an example to her, but I didn't really know what to say. I think that I mumbled a quick thanks. Then I had one of the YM leaders tell me to "smile". I almost wanted to wave the unpleasant finger at him, but thought that might not be a good idea. I thought that I had been being pleasant enough but whatever. It just felt good to be trying to get back to normal with life.

Tonight I finally made it back to the gym for the first time. It felt good to burn some calories and really good to get out of the house away from my girls for a bit. It's really weird when I go out because I find myself thinking "the last time I was here I was pregnant"... but tonight it didn't make me cry. And the sad songs on the radio didn't make me cry either. And I started to feel like the old me just a little bit more.

My oompa loompa

Figured another nice post was in order. This was after she had raviolis. It doesn't look like she ate much from the pictures, but she really did finish her bowl. Just a lot ended up on her face too, lol. I think I know how they dyed the oompa loompa's skin in Willy Wonka now. And I thought this one was too creepy not to share.

Venting out my anger

I think that a trip to the gym is due- probably later tonight. I absolutely want to scream and for once this has nothing to do with the miscarriage. Or maybe it does a little because my emotions have already been on a roller coaster and this just adds to the insanity right now.

2 days ago I got a "lovely" little letter in the mail from Avista. See I used to like Avista. Because I have always used the comfort billing option. Why?!! Because I would rather pay the same amount year round than have to scrimp and save for the insanely high winter month bills. Well this letter stated that they were raising my bill from $106 each month to... hold on... I think I just choked when I looked at the amount again to... $271!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!! That is almost triple the amount I was paying before.

And yes before you ask I understand the entire concept of the comfort billing system. I'm not a dummy. Yes, they raised my amount because we had a balance that needed to be paid off, but also I'm not a dummy. To have it jump like that is absolutely insane. And to do it to a low-income family like us means the difference between paying my avista bill or my family eating each month. They clearly should have adjusted the rate WAY before now.

Well of course I called. And the first dummy I talked to gave me the run around, blah, blah, blah. I know it wasn't her fault, but I was still pissed. So then I talked w/ someone above her. Blah, blah, blah yes idiot I understand comfort level billing. And so she referred me to Snap, which doesn't open until October and my bill is due the end of September. Wow isn't that just great. Ya I'm quite irritated right now and if there was a punch bag with the big avista sign on it right now I'd be beating it into the ground.

So I'll pay more than I was before, but there's no way on earth I'm paying that full amount. That's just ridiculous.

Trying

So I almost made it yesterday without crying...

almost...

I was talking with the hubbie while we were laying in bed and I said how it's weird that we've already lost a baby. We seem too young... too... I just don't know how to put it into words. It just doesn't seem like something that should have happened to us... but it did. And I know that they are common and not unusual and that it just happens when the baby wasn't developing properly... but it still is just shocking to think about. And then I think about all those I know who have experienced the death of a loved one in their life and it just breaks my heart.

Grief is a very hard thing to deal with. And I'm not sure if I'm dealing with it the right way, but then I guess I'm just doing what works for me and that has to be right.

I finally went out of the house by myself last night and got the few groceries that our house desperately needed. I saw someone that I knew and I almost had a panic attack. My heart literally started beating so hard that I thought it might jump straight out of my chest. I purposely avoided this person (sorry if that was you- it wasn't personal). Somehow within less than a week I've become this unsocial recluse that doesn't want to talk to anyone. Or more like I've kept my sadness in check when I'm by myself, but I'm unsure of how I'm going to do around others. Guess I'm going to have to put that to the ultimate test tonight. I'm going to mutual. Why? One so I don't have to be without Tim tonight. I guess the other reason is so that I can try and start resuming my calling duties a bit.

Tim said something to me last night as well... about how I don't always have to be the "tough" one and that it's ok to cry. I told him that I knew that and that I felt that I had cried and grieved a lot. But I also told him that my biggest worry is that I have such a control on my crying right now that I'm worried that something will trigger it and I won't be able to stop... and I'll turn into a bawling crying mess who can't function during daily life. And it was after that I started crying.

A start in the right direction

So how am I doing today???

I haven't cried yet- that's always good.

I've been pretty even tempered with my girls- that's also good.

I've cleaned the house a little- definitely good w/ my monsters.

My girls have been dressed and fed both meals so far.

**I'm attempting to pick myself back up**

On the other hand...

I'm having trouble wanting to go out of the house w/out Tim.

I don't really want to talk w/ anyone- at least in person- I'm really afraid it would turn my waterworks on and never turn off again. To see the look in their eyes and hear the sympathy in their voices- yep not sure I could handle it.

But I'm tired of making these sad posts. Because not everything in life is sad. In fact there's a lot of good too.

As long as I'm not too stuck in my "mood" to see it.

Yesterday we did go to the fair. And it wasn't all bad. Actually most of it was good. Besides wanting to run and scream everytime I saw another pregnant lady (there were tons!) and having absolutely no appetite for the yummy, not-so-good for you fair food I actually enjoyed myself.

The girls- mainly Hailey- went on a LOT of rides. She definitely my child and loves the rides. I went on a bunch with her too because she wasn't tall enough even for some of the kiddy rides to go by herself. Why did I go and not Tim? Well it was easier for me to fit onto the smaller rides and then poor Tim gets motion sickness pretty bad. Ya it sucked having to buy another wristband for me, but I at least rode enough rides to get my money's worth.

And it made Hailey happy.

And it made me smile a little too.

The girls got to ride ponies and see and touch lots of animals. And of course eat fair food.
And most of all we were together as a family.

The girls got to see mommy laughing and smiling a bit.

And we all got a few hours to take our minds away to a happy place for a bit.

A new day

Yesterday was extremely hard on me. I've always wondered if I've possibly miscarried before and never realized it... and then yesterday happened and I know for a fact that I have never experienced this before. Nothing that the dr said could have possibly prepared me for what was going to happen. It was devastating to pass your own baby and know that's what it was. At one point it shocked me so much that I screamed and then I started bawling. It was very upsetting, but I think that the worst of it is over thankfully.

Now to try and move on with things. I really feel that my prayers were answered. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers in the way that we want or expect him to, but he did for me this time. I prayed to feel calm about things and to be ok with it. I'm still sad, especially when I start to think about things, but that is perfectly normal. I miss my baby. I miss that sweet little angel and I probably will every day. But overall I feel mostly at piece about what has happened. Next I really prayed that things would happen fast and natural at home. I didn't want any of this drawn out any longer. I just wanted to be over and done with it. This probably sounds insensitive, but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to feel pregnant or look pregnant. I want the crazy hormones gone and I want to fit back into my clothes. And I want to get things back to normal- but on my own terms and no one else's. So I will take things day by day.

So today is a new day. I feel ok for the most part. I'm emotionally exhausted. I had Tim take today off of work so he took us out for breakfast this morning. I started to tear up a few times while we were gone. And I didn't even eat half of my breakfast. But I went out of the house! That was big for me! Of course I wanted to come right back home after that. I've decided to take one positive step though. We're heading to the fair shortly here. My choice. I want us all to get out of the house and have fun together as a family and not think about anything that has happened. Of course the girls haven't really been affected, but for Tim and I, it's a great way to take our mind off of everything and see our girls laugh and smile. And maybe us laugh and smile a little too.

I'm not usually one to quote scriptures, but I liked these:

"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"But blessed at they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for then shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5)

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worth of my kingdom" (D&C 136:31)

~~~~A good friend of mine wrote me something that really hit home~~~~

That He gives us more than we can handle so that we have to rely on Him to get through is....

And I couldn't agree more. I have definitely relied on the grace of Jesus to help me get through this.

So I'm off to take my mind off of everything. Maybe too soon for some, but for me it feels just right. I have 2 beautiful girls that would love seeing the animals and going on rides. And we're going to do just that.

1 step forward- 2 steps back

I haven't hardly stepped foot out of my house. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone or see anyone in person. It hurts too bad. I see the sympathy in their eyes and I just can't handle it right now. I'm well aware that people want to help in any way they can- but I just don't want most of it. Why?!! Because it hurts too much and then I turn into a crying mess again. Thankfully Tim has been home with me the entire time to deal w/ my phone and answer the door. So please don't take it personally if I don't answer your call. I'm just not ready to yet. Unspoken words are much easier for me right now. That is unless I take the time to really think about them and digest them- which I'm not allowing myself to do right now.

Yesterday was easier for me. I think because things were pretty fresh people left me alone. But I tried to stay busy at home with my girls and Tim and to keep my mind preoccupied. Not much really happened with me. But today is different. I've been cramping a lot and each time it kills me. Because I know that each time it happens is because I'm losing the baby. Yes I knew it would happen, but it's not making it any easier. Yesterday was easy because when it was just barely starting I was able to keep my mind off of it. But the constant cramps makes it unable to not think about it. And how much it hurts to think about my little one. But then I smile when I picture our Heavenly Father welcoming that child into his arms and knowing that the day will come when I will see that child again.

I've had almost no appetite. And I can hear some people saying oh that's not good. You need to take care of yourself. Ya well they'd probably be seeing an unpleasant finger waving their way. Sorry just how I feel right now. You lose a baby and tell me how you freakin feel. Part of me wants to just bury my emotions in food, but then when I look at it it looks gross. And yesterday I did manage to get 2 meals in, but they were both pretty bland tasting. And not because of the food because Tim ate the exact same meals and was very pleased.

I'm not writing any of this to make anyone sad. Mainly it's for myself. To get my feelings out feels very therapeutic to me right now. Especially since I can't about it to anyone but Tim right now because it just upsets me. And even talking about it to Tim too much makes me emotional. And I just know if I sat here to myself and didn't get a single word out about how I'm feeling- whether it's a written or spoken word- I would go NUTS! I would probably turn into a depressed unsocial monster and have a hard time picking myself back up from it. And while I'm unsocial right now I feel like it's ok. I'm allowed my grieving and personal time. And if you have a problem with that then whatever. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish and I don't care right now. I'm taking a lot of me time. But also if this helps someone else out there who has gone through this or is going through this then I hope it does in some way or another.

So to anyone else out there I really appreciate the words of strength and love. I know that there are many people out there who have us in their thoughts and prayers and it really means a lot right now.

The unanswered question

Why??? A question that we have to just leave sometimes knowing that our Heavenly Father knows what is best. Not always an easy answer to stomach though is it.

I had the worst dr appt today I think that anyone can have. At least I know it's the worst I've ever had to have. When you go in excited to hear the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine only to find out that the baby is no longer alive. That sweet little spirit that you've really started to get excited about has gone back to live with our Heavenly Father again. I know that I'll see that child of mine again someday, but right now it doesn't really make this any easier. It's amazing how carrying a child for such a short time can have an impact on you as a mother. Even though I have 2 perfectly healthy girls, my heart still aches terribly for the loss.

I have so many emotions running through me right now and I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode on someone. At first I was left in the ultrasound room and then I was taken to wait in another room... and wait and wait and wait. Seriously?!! You tell me that I've lost the baby and then put me into another room bawling and expect me to wait forever- No! I don't want to be here- I want to leave and cry and curl into a little ball until the pain goes away. I was so angry about how long I had to wait to see my dr. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's not anyone's fault, especially not my drs. Still didn't change how I felt though. I was so lucky to have Tim there with me. He had come for the ultrasound and there was no way I could drive home after all of that. I feel bad because I was upset for him acting so calm about everything. But I guess I can't expect him to feel the same way as I do, especially because I was the one carrying the baby and filled with my crazy hormones. And after all has happened I feel very blessed that he was able to keep calm and collected about everything because we have 2 little angels that need to be taken care of still. Right now I love him more than ever, especially for being my rock through this.

I think part of what makes this harder is that I'm techincally still pregnant right now. I still look like I'm pregnant- yes I'm showing already- and feel like I"m pregnant. I still have the crazy hormones in me and I'm an emotional wreck. There was a 5 wk old baby that showed on the ultrasound so I'm still waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen- there I said it- miscarriage. That word is so hard for me to deal with right now. And then I'm at risk for an infection because it should have already happened. I've had some bleeding off and on today, but nothing as to what I should expect yet. So I have to go back into the dr in another week and a half to make sure things have happened and if not we have to use other methods. Great- that's just what I want to think about for the next week and a half. Because everytime I think about it I start crying. Poor Hailey was rubbing my back saying it's ok mommy. What a sweet little thing she is.

Sorry if this offends anyone. It has really helped me to write this all down and I suppose you don't have to read it if you don't want to. Though everytime I think about it I start to cry again. And even being close to Tim makes me cry too because it was our child that I lost. In the end I know that there was nothing I did to make this happen. I'm healthier than I was when I was preg w/ both the girls, I don't drink or smoke, I'm only 26, exercise regularly, and overall live a pretty healthy life. It just wasn't meant to me, but knowing that still doesn't make this any easier right now. So little one- mommy misses you already. I never got to see your sweet face or snuggle you to sleep, but I KNOW I will meet you one day. That's probably the one thing that is taking the edge off of the pain in my heart right now. That and knowing that I have an amazing husband and girls who are always there for me.

My dumbstick is back

Yep I've gotten hit again with the dumbstick- when you turn into a bumbling idiot who forgets why then came into a room and I lose my train of thought more times than I can count...

Yep we're expecting again. Monster #3 is on the way. I'm a little over 9 wks now and have an ultrasound on Friday to confirm due dates- right now it's April 6th- and make sure there's only one of these aliens inside me. Yep I'm showing. Yep I've had to wear maternity pants since 6 weeks- yikes! My skinny pants- well skinny for me at least- stopped fitting then. And I tried to wear my fat pants, but they looked ridiculous because they fit my fat expanding waist, but the legs were about twice the size of my actual legs so I had to bust out my prego wear. Ahhh so much more comfy. I tried to get a pic, but taking one yourself is practically impossible. Even with my self times I'm never happy with what I get. So far I've felt way better than I did with either of the girls. A little nausea at times, but totally manageable. I'm not sad to say that Mr. John hasn't been my best friend- yay! Just insanely tired- I hit 1-2pm and I'm a grouchy mama who needs a nap- NOW! Still working out a few times a week though- yay for me. So that's probably the real story why I haven't blogged much. Trying to keep this a secret has been near impossible, especially when you show as early as I do.