Knowing the limits

How do you know when you're done... having kids that is???
Personally I always wondered how women/ marriages came to that conclusion. I'm deep in the midst of  my child bearing part of life, as are most of the people around me. Some are just starting, some are a few kids in, some aren't sure if they want more, and some- the very select few my age- will openly admit that they are DONE!! And they say it with a sigh of relief and a smile that will brighten a room.
Some I have talked with say that they have a "feeling" or they have had dreams knowing that they are not done yet along with a million other reasons. But not many women will give you their specific reasons for being done. Because in doing that we sound like horrible mothers and disgusting women when the truth is really that we have reached our limits in one way or another.

So here comes my story. I AM DONE!!! Well not quite- I mean I do need to finish this current pregnancy which I am currently 23 wks- but after that I AM DONE!!! I don't give a flying crap about what people say about me being only 28, blah, blah, blah... Guess what  (especially to my uber opinionated m.i.l.) I don't care what you think or say. WE (yes we as in my hubby and I) are done and completely agree on this.

You see after I had my 3rd child I felt like I could conquer the world and the possibility of having 6+ children entered into my mind. Crazy, yes, but at the time I felt like it was very possible. Fast forward to now, a little over a year later, and I know for sure that 4 is enough for me. Now to the why:

As sad as it is for me to admit, I have felt very drained: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... you name it I've been it. I've felt very alone and depressed. It's a bit scary to admit that you've been feeling depressed, but I guess at least I'm mature enough to admit that, well to the world now. I've found myself not being the best version of myself that I know I can be, especially in my eternally important roles as wife and mother. As much as I would love an even bigger family, I want my children to see a happy positive mommy. Not one who loses her temper too easily or is withdrawn and crying between bouts of yelling. Yes I know that pregnancy can bring out some strong hormones in a woman- obviously this is the case with me and some women handle it better than others. I want my husband to have a loving and supportive wife who is not dead to the world most days from complete lack of energy.

These past few months have been a serious struggle for me. My house has been under construction since mid May and in turn I feel like the rest of my life has been in complete disarray as well. But coming to my realization has given me a light at the end of my tunnel.

So this is our big announcement: THIS WILL BE OUR LAST BABY!

And I would gladly shout it from any rooftop.

Worth a thousand words

Ignore the screaming white tummy that never sees the sun
Look past my stretch marks
Don't listen to the self conscious mommy who has always been embarrassed by her misshapen lumpy pregnancy belly and has never taken a bare belly shot before even though this will be my 4th babe
Because last night my husband rolled over and while sleeping put his hand here.
And lil man started kickin away.
It was such a sweet moment.  I even had to turn on the reading light to capture it.

Who would have thought....

We actually did it...












We defied the odds...

We're having a BOY!!!

Yep he showed us pretty clear =) 

We're pretty excited, but still shocked as well. 

I'm a little emotional to have a boy... so many different thoughts.

But, boy oh boy, this is going to be a FUN adventure! 

Happy birthday Hailey

Somehow 5 years have passed... quickly. When they say that your kids will grow up fast, pay attention cause they're not kidding!

Our sweet little angel is 5 already. Seriously 5.... 5 years since we officially became "parents" and were thrust into the world of crazytown. This kid has kept us on our toes since the beginning. Not even kidding. She tried to come out backwards (breech) and has kept her same feisty fighting personality since then. But somewhere along the way she has also completely amazed me. Because beyond her wild personality she is also filled with love and compassion. And such a smart little thing too. It sure is amazing to watch her soak up knowledge and completely flourish as she's gotten older.

I know without a doubt in my heart that she was sent to us as our first born for a reason. She truly is an amazing girl!

Anyways almost every year she asks for a birthday with friends... and well though our house is plenty big for us it hardly accommodates our family + friends so we had the extra money this year and took her to chuck e cheeses. All the kiddos had a blast and that's all I wanted for her. A super big thanks to everyone who came. Hailey got completely spoiled with lots of fun presents- and seriously she has been playing with them all non stop.

Not sure what to name this one.... maybe.... "I actually did the dishes today"

Most days I consider it a success when I'm able to get the dishes done before my kids go to bed at night...
Today was a smashing success because I even cleaned the kitchen after I did the dishes.
Yes they are 2 different things....
You see having clean dishes is great- I prefer it that way- scrambling to wash dishes right before we eat is never fun.
But when I actually have time to clean the rest of the kitchen too ... that's a miracle!

Well I got my miracle completed today =)

My kitchen is usually the last place in my house I clean because it's at the back and no one sees it. But lately I'm able to keep it cleaner because I put up the baby gate and keep kiddos out... hehehe... yep the only way it manages to keep somewhat clean is because I barricade my children out.

Heck I'm on a roll today... let's see what else I can get done while I sit on the phone waiting to be
"next in line"... oh such fun.

Fun changes

These lil monsters started pre school last Tuesday! I wasn't planning on having Hannah go this year, but it just made more sense to and they give a good discount for siblings. It's a co op pre school so I have to help out one day a week. So Tuesdays I get to drop off Hailey and Hannah, Wednesday I stay and help out, 

and Thursday I drop off Hailey for her pre-k day.

The only downfall to this is that it's 20 min away =( Bummer right?!! And school starts at 930 so that means 

I gotta be out of the house by 9am. I did pretty well this first week too. It's definitely a bit overwhelming to have to get everyone- myself included- ready and out the door by then but it's worth it for the girls. 

(so jenn if you're reading this tuesday at 9am doesn't work lol... ) 

And... this lil peanut got her ears pierced finally! She did great- only cried just a bit and they are healing awesome already! 

Brutal honesty

Warning to anyone who might read this... this will be a rant... so if that bothers you or offends you then close the browser and step away. I've got an insane amount of emotions running through me and I need an outlet to get them out... so here it goes

First of all I'm very unhappy with this pregnancy. My emotions are all over the place. By the end of each day I'm so angry and irritated that I just want to scream, yell, and fight someone. Literally I feel violent. Not fun. Poor Tim keeps asking me what's wrong or what he can do for me and most nights I honestly can't give him a good answer. It's a lot of little things I guess. I'm already having trouble sleeping at night. I'm already having very painful stretching pains. I'm getting killer headaches at least once a day- yelling at kids just turns them into full on migraines. I have kids that don't listen to a darn thing that I say lately- cue the yelling because I ask nicely and gradually raise my voice... and it's not until yelling that my kids acknowledge that I said something and actually listen... sounds fun right. I need to say that I know that having this baby is a huge blessing. I totally get that... but the more that things happen lately the more that I feel done having babies after this one. I'm feeling emotionally drained and completely exhausted lately.

I'm grumpy and mean... almost all day long. I know deep within my heart that I have an extreme amount to be thankful for. I'm well aware of all of that, yet I'm having an extremely hard time changing my disposition and outlook on things. Most days I have a very hard time keeping my emotions in check and I feel like I've been a horrible mother. Another reason that I'm feeling like I'm done... I don't want my children to remember me like this. I guess  I just feel angry all the time... even when things are going ok. And then when I try to figure out why I'm feeling this way lots of little things come to the surface:

Sheer disappointment in people- like my grandparents that are still alive. Seriously you have had a bad relationship with my parents off and on over the years, but that doesn't mean that you have to be weird towards me and my family!! It makes me so sad because none of them even know my kids and probably never will. If my mom's parents were still alive it would be completely different! They were both always around and involved in my life and I would love for them to see the person that I've become. I'm strong and accomplished with a beautiful family and an amazing husband.

I absolutely cannot stand either of my neighbors on either side of me. They just make me want to scream. I know that I need to treat every person with respect, but I have a serious hard time doing that with them. On one side I have the super nosy crazy cat lady. They have nice vehicles, a trailer, boat, etc. but their house is an absolute dump and eye sore. Then on the other side I have the transient house where new people are always coming and going and moving in and out. Never in my life have I seen a complete lack of parenting than in that house. It reeks of dog crap outside because there are in insane amount of large dogs and I'm pretty sure that drugs are being dealt from that house. Also a huge eye sore of a house.

I can think of a handful of friends that I'm not being a very good friend too... I'm just having a very hard time getting out of this funk.

Random people who do mean things or stupid drivers have me yelling obscenities... when I called a driver an a-hole for almost running into me today Hailey reminded me that we shouldn't be talking this way.

I feel so checked out of life lately that I feel like a complete failure as a wife and mother. I loathe cooking and cleaning lately. We've eaten out more time than I care to admit. My house is an absolute disaster. I can't stand the toys everywhere and almost the entire upstairs is unusable right now from construction. I know that none of this is permanent and that I will get through it, but I'm having trouble seeing the big picture right now.

I can't remember the last time I felt this alone. I feel like a bottled up bomb about to explode at any moment. So I just keep to myself and then it makes it all even worse. Church is hard lately. I don't want to put the energy into it most days, but I know that I need to be there and I always feel better once I have gone.  I haven't lost my testimony, but I don't feel the spirit as often as I used to. I know that is all my fault and that the spirit won't stay with me if I'm not worthy. I guess at least I can recognize all of this... sorry anyone chose to read it...

now back to your regularly scheduled reading.

Never smart when the peanut disappears

I should know better.  I really should by now. But wee wee disappears for 5 min and comes back eating tissue lol. This was yer mess

Happy birthday wee-wee!!

Hailey version 10.0 turned 1... lol... on the 11th... better late than never right?!! 

Seriously she is just like Hailey but worse... but we still love her anyways. 

She's our feisty lil peanut. 

Cake, ice cream, a few presents, and lots of running around. That's all a 1 yr old needs anyways. 

She dug right into her cupcake- completely fearless. I had to give her more cake because that just wasn't enough. An impromptu football game... with not nearly enough players =) 

 Seriously my favorite picture of her and my mom... We were trying to get a picture with grandma... 

Yes she is this feisty all day every day. Being the 3rd child hasn't slowed her down one bit! 

 Trying to get everyone for a picture... too funny not to share. 

 Yes- I insisted on a family picture- one with me actually in it. So here it is. 

Our very own Olsen Monsters!!! 

Time to stretch our legs out

So literally hours after we got home from our Cabo trip we packed up the kids in the van and headed up to Canada for a quick weekend trip. Yes we are crazy and we were waiting in line to cross the border we both looked at each other and asked what on earth are we doing?!! 

Yes we were super tired!

But the trip was very worth it because the new Olsen bride Tara got baptized!

We were so happy that we could be there to support her and Tim was asked to confirm 

the gift of the Holy Ghost to her =) What a huge blessing for him =) 

We're so happy for Dave and Tara and their new life together and wish them an eternity 

of love, laughter, and happiness together.

On our way home we stopped at the Leitch Colleries ( http://www.history.alberta.ca/leitch/)

Another stop on my list. I had no clue what this place was even about and great knowledge about this place... they have bathrooms... very crucial knowledge for any mama to know lol. 

But overall I really liked it here. It was a great place for the kids to get some energy out- and for Hailey to practice her posing, silly girl- and it was super neat to see these buildings that are over 100 years old still in tact... and we all learned that this site also had something to do with the coal mining. 

These kids are too dang smart

So about a week ago I had a conversation with Hailey that explained that Heavenly Father loves each of us very much. He made each of us to be very special and different from one another with different talents and abilities, but that it is all okay because he gave us those gifts specifically for us. I believe the conversation was Hailey being upset because she was comparing herself to someone- probably Hannah.

Anyways this is now the second time that Hailey has used this against me. And she's just a kid and doesn't realize how funny this actually is.

Tonight I told her to stop being so rough with her sisters when she is playing with them.
She responded by saying "He made me that way"... and earlier in the week she had told me " But Heavenly Father made me this way"

Smart kids... now to teach her that it still means you have to be a nice person and listen to your mom and dad lol...

Hello Cabo!

Somehow by the grace of God Tim and I were able to go on this trip by ourselves, without kids. 

Yes I just said without kids. 

That part was every bit as glorious as it sounds!!

Our trip was both too long and not long enough.

Too long because I was hot and miserable and sick the whole time. 

Not long enough because we were super busy and didn't have time for other activities that we really wanted to do. Oh well life goes on. 

 This place had amazing homemade tacos. Even my crazy tastebuds liked them. And they were super cheap!

 Our first night there we went on a dinner cruise- I should mention that we were there with an insane amount of family =) 

 Tim somehow got himself roped into a dance competition. This one below and the group one 2 down are everyone who competed in it. 

 The beach directly in front of our hotel was too dangerous to swim in, but one day we went to Chileno Bay and swam here. Absolutely gorgeous public beach! 

 We took one day to shop for a few hours in San Jose Del Cabo

 I found an "American" cuisine styled cafe and I was so excited! You can't even guess how excited I was to have a smoothie and a panini 

 Hello sexy hubby! 

 The main reason we came to Cabo: A beautiful wedding on the beach!