Brutal honesty

Warning to anyone who might read this... this will be a rant... so if that bothers you or offends you then close the browser and step away. I've got an insane amount of emotions running through me and I need an outlet to get them out... so here it goes

First of all I'm very unhappy with this pregnancy. My emotions are all over the place. By the end of each day I'm so angry and irritated that I just want to scream, yell, and fight someone. Literally I feel violent. Not fun. Poor Tim keeps asking me what's wrong or what he can do for me and most nights I honestly can't give him a good answer. It's a lot of little things I guess. I'm already having trouble sleeping at night. I'm already having very painful stretching pains. I'm getting killer headaches at least once a day- yelling at kids just turns them into full on migraines. I have kids that don't listen to a darn thing that I say lately- cue the yelling because I ask nicely and gradually raise my voice... and it's not until yelling that my kids acknowledge that I said something and actually listen... sounds fun right. I need to say that I know that having this baby is a huge blessing. I totally get that... but the more that things happen lately the more that I feel done having babies after this one. I'm feeling emotionally drained and completely exhausted lately.

I'm grumpy and mean... almost all day long. I know deep within my heart that I have an extreme amount to be thankful for. I'm well aware of all of that, yet I'm having an extremely hard time changing my disposition and outlook on things. Most days I have a very hard time keeping my emotions in check and I feel like I've been a horrible mother. Another reason that I'm feeling like I'm done... I don't want my children to remember me like this. I guess  I just feel angry all the time... even when things are going ok. And then when I try to figure out why I'm feeling this way lots of little things come to the surface:

Sheer disappointment in people- like my grandparents that are still alive. Seriously you have had a bad relationship with my parents off and on over the years, but that doesn't mean that you have to be weird towards me and my family!! It makes me so sad because none of them even know my kids and probably never will. If my mom's parents were still alive it would be completely different! They were both always around and involved in my life and I would love for them to see the person that I've become. I'm strong and accomplished with a beautiful family and an amazing husband.

I absolutely cannot stand either of my neighbors on either side of me. They just make me want to scream. I know that I need to treat every person with respect, but I have a serious hard time doing that with them. On one side I have the super nosy crazy cat lady. They have nice vehicles, a trailer, boat, etc. but their house is an absolute dump and eye sore. Then on the other side I have the transient house where new people are always coming and going and moving in and out. Never in my life have I seen a complete lack of parenting than in that house. It reeks of dog crap outside because there are in insane amount of large dogs and I'm pretty sure that drugs are being dealt from that house. Also a huge eye sore of a house.

I can think of a handful of friends that I'm not being a very good friend too... I'm just having a very hard time getting out of this funk.

Random people who do mean things or stupid drivers have me yelling obscenities... when I called a driver an a-hole for almost running into me today Hailey reminded me that we shouldn't be talking this way.

I feel so checked out of life lately that I feel like a complete failure as a wife and mother. I loathe cooking and cleaning lately. We've eaten out more time than I care to admit. My house is an absolute disaster. I can't stand the toys everywhere and almost the entire upstairs is unusable right now from construction. I know that none of this is permanent and that I will get through it, but I'm having trouble seeing the big picture right now.

I can't remember the last time I felt this alone. I feel like a bottled up bomb about to explode at any moment. So I just keep to myself and then it makes it all even worse. Church is hard lately. I don't want to put the energy into it most days, but I know that I need to be there and I always feel better once I have gone.  I haven't lost my testimony, but I don't feel the spirit as often as I used to. I know that is all my fault and that the spirit won't stay with me if I'm not worthy. I guess at least I can recognize all of this... sorry anyone chose to read it...

now back to your regularly scheduled reading.