Praying

I haven't been sure of myself  on whether to talk about this, but I suppose if I'm to use this more and use it as an outlet I should. Even as I think about putting my jumbled thoughts onto this page my stomach is doing flip flops- and not the good kind.

Last Sunday I got a phone call... from my dr... on her cell phone. I had a 2nd midpoint ultrasound the week before to get better pics of the stomach... and they still weren't able to find it. Not good. My dr tried to reassure me that it could have been the baby's position, she could have just emptied her stomach, etc... but let's be honest here. I may sound like a bunch of sour grapes right now, but if they haven't found it in 2 ultrasounds I'm worried. I have another ultrasound scheduled in about 2 weeks to try once more. They wanted to wait a little longer to wait until she was a little bigger. If they can't find it then I get sent off to specialists and from there my mind just feels like it's being squeezed.

So in all reality I won't know anything for sure for a little bit still, but that doesn't keep my mind from thinking about what may be ahead of us. When I first got the news I really struggled to keep myself together. Not sure how well I managed that one. Of course I did the typical and searched the web about my possible situation. It's called not seeing the "stomach bubble" and from what I could find out each situation is different. Yes it could mean the baby doesn't have a stomach. What?!! That doesn't even make sense. Random things that I found were things like pre-term birth, surgeries, other birth defects associated with babies born with this, not being about to nurse her right away, bad reflux, etc. and of course modern medicine can only go so far and so we've thought about this baby not making it.

I don't know why but for some reason I thought that this pregnancy would be just fine since I miscarried 2 mo before getting pregnant. I guess we shouldn't assume these things. So we're worried and scared about what the future may hold for us. And Tim is definitely worried more this time too. With the miscarriage it was so early on that he didn't really feel the loss like I did, but this time I'm far enough along where he will be majorly involved with anything that happens. He asks me everyday how I'm feeling and to be honest I've ate more chocolate in the past few days than I have in a long time. No it hasn't made me feel any better yet about things. This little girl- who is still nameless- is still a feisty one and moving lots. So I guess we have to wait. The best news that we could have is that the stomach is found at our next appt. So that's what I'm praying for.