Trying

So I almost made it yesterday without crying...

almost...

I was talking with the hubbie while we were laying in bed and I said how it's weird that we've already lost a baby. We seem too young... too... I just don't know how to put it into words. It just doesn't seem like something that should have happened to us... but it did. And I know that they are common and not unusual and that it just happens when the baby wasn't developing properly... but it still is just shocking to think about. And then I think about all those I know who have experienced the death of a loved one in their life and it just breaks my heart.

Grief is a very hard thing to deal with. And I'm not sure if I'm dealing with it the right way, but then I guess I'm just doing what works for me and that has to be right.

I finally went out of the house by myself last night and got the few groceries that our house desperately needed. I saw someone that I knew and I almost had a panic attack. My heart literally started beating so hard that I thought it might jump straight out of my chest. I purposely avoided this person (sorry if that was you- it wasn't personal). Somehow within less than a week I've become this unsocial recluse that doesn't want to talk to anyone. Or more like I've kept my sadness in check when I'm by myself, but I'm unsure of how I'm going to do around others. Guess I'm going to have to put that to the ultimate test tonight. I'm going to mutual. Why? One so I don't have to be without Tim tonight. I guess the other reason is so that I can try and start resuming my calling duties a bit.

Tim said something to me last night as well... about how I don't always have to be the "tough" one and that it's ok to cry. I told him that I knew that and that I felt that I had cried and grieved a lot. But I also told him that my biggest worry is that I have such a control on my crying right now that I'm worried that something will trigger it and I won't be able to stop... and I'll turn into a bawling crying mess who can't function during daily life. And it was after that I started crying.

A start in the right direction

So how am I doing today???

I haven't cried yet- that's always good.

I've been pretty even tempered with my girls- that's also good.

I've cleaned the house a little- definitely good w/ my monsters.

My girls have been dressed and fed both meals so far.

**I'm attempting to pick myself back up**

On the other hand...

I'm having trouble wanting to go out of the house w/out Tim.

I don't really want to talk w/ anyone- at least in person- I'm really afraid it would turn my waterworks on and never turn off again. To see the look in their eyes and hear the sympathy in their voices- yep not sure I could handle it.

But I'm tired of making these sad posts. Because not everything in life is sad. In fact there's a lot of good too.

As long as I'm not too stuck in my "mood" to see it.

Yesterday we did go to the fair. And it wasn't all bad. Actually most of it was good. Besides wanting to run and scream everytime I saw another pregnant lady (there were tons!) and having absolutely no appetite for the yummy, not-so-good for you fair food I actually enjoyed myself.

The girls- mainly Hailey- went on a LOT of rides. She definitely my child and loves the rides. I went on a bunch with her too because she wasn't tall enough even for some of the kiddy rides to go by herself. Why did I go and not Tim? Well it was easier for me to fit onto the smaller rides and then poor Tim gets motion sickness pretty bad. Ya it sucked having to buy another wristband for me, but I at least rode enough rides to get my money's worth.

And it made Hailey happy.

And it made me smile a little too.

The girls got to ride ponies and see and touch lots of animals. And of course eat fair food.
And most of all we were together as a family.

The girls got to see mommy laughing and smiling a bit.

And we all got a few hours to take our minds away to a happy place for a bit.

A new day

Yesterday was extremely hard on me. I've always wondered if I've possibly miscarried before and never realized it... and then yesterday happened and I know for a fact that I have never experienced this before. Nothing that the dr said could have possibly prepared me for what was going to happen. It was devastating to pass your own baby and know that's what it was. At one point it shocked me so much that I screamed and then I started bawling. It was very upsetting, but I think that the worst of it is over thankfully.

Now to try and move on with things. I really feel that my prayers were answered. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers in the way that we want or expect him to, but he did for me this time. I prayed to feel calm about things and to be ok with it. I'm still sad, especially when I start to think about things, but that is perfectly normal. I miss my baby. I miss that sweet little angel and I probably will every day. But overall I feel mostly at piece about what has happened. Next I really prayed that things would happen fast and natural at home. I didn't want any of this drawn out any longer. I just wanted to be over and done with it. This probably sounds insensitive, but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to feel pregnant or look pregnant. I want the crazy hormones gone and I want to fit back into my clothes. And I want to get things back to normal- but on my own terms and no one else's. So I will take things day by day.

So today is a new day. I feel ok for the most part. I'm emotionally exhausted. I had Tim take today off of work so he took us out for breakfast this morning. I started to tear up a few times while we were gone. And I didn't even eat half of my breakfast. But I went out of the house! That was big for me! Of course I wanted to come right back home after that. I've decided to take one positive step though. We're heading to the fair shortly here. My choice. I want us all to get out of the house and have fun together as a family and not think about anything that has happened. Of course the girls haven't really been affected, but for Tim and I, it's a great way to take our mind off of everything and see our girls laugh and smile. And maybe us laugh and smile a little too.

I'm not usually one to quote scriptures, but I liked these:

"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"But blessed at they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for then shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5)

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worth of my kingdom" (D&C 136:31)

~~~~A good friend of mine wrote me something that really hit home~~~~

That He gives us more than we can handle so that we have to rely on Him to get through is....

And I couldn't agree more. I have definitely relied on the grace of Jesus to help me get through this.

So I'm off to take my mind off of everything. Maybe too soon for some, but for me it feels just right. I have 2 beautiful girls that would love seeing the animals and going on rides. And we're going to do just that.

1 step forward- 2 steps back

I haven't hardly stepped foot out of my house. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone or see anyone in person. It hurts too bad. I see the sympathy in their eyes and I just can't handle it right now. I'm well aware that people want to help in any way they can- but I just don't want most of it. Why?!! Because it hurts too much and then I turn into a crying mess again. Thankfully Tim has been home with me the entire time to deal w/ my phone and answer the door. So please don't take it personally if I don't answer your call. I'm just not ready to yet. Unspoken words are much easier for me right now. That is unless I take the time to really think about them and digest them- which I'm not allowing myself to do right now.

Yesterday was easier for me. I think because things were pretty fresh people left me alone. But I tried to stay busy at home with my girls and Tim and to keep my mind preoccupied. Not much really happened with me. But today is different. I've been cramping a lot and each time it kills me. Because I know that each time it happens is because I'm losing the baby. Yes I knew it would happen, but it's not making it any easier. Yesterday was easy because when it was just barely starting I was able to keep my mind off of it. But the constant cramps makes it unable to not think about it. And how much it hurts to think about my little one. But then I smile when I picture our Heavenly Father welcoming that child into his arms and knowing that the day will come when I will see that child again.

I've had almost no appetite. And I can hear some people saying oh that's not good. You need to take care of yourself. Ya well they'd probably be seeing an unpleasant finger waving their way. Sorry just how I feel right now. You lose a baby and tell me how you freakin feel. Part of me wants to just bury my emotions in food, but then when I look at it it looks gross. And yesterday I did manage to get 2 meals in, but they were both pretty bland tasting. And not because of the food because Tim ate the exact same meals and was very pleased.

I'm not writing any of this to make anyone sad. Mainly it's for myself. To get my feelings out feels very therapeutic to me right now. Especially since I can't about it to anyone but Tim right now because it just upsets me. And even talking about it to Tim too much makes me emotional. And I just know if I sat here to myself and didn't get a single word out about how I'm feeling- whether it's a written or spoken word- I would go NUTS! I would probably turn into a depressed unsocial monster and have a hard time picking myself back up from it. And while I'm unsocial right now I feel like it's ok. I'm allowed my grieving and personal time. And if you have a problem with that then whatever. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish and I don't care right now. I'm taking a lot of me time. But also if this helps someone else out there who has gone through this or is going through this then I hope it does in some way or another.

So to anyone else out there I really appreciate the words of strength and love. I know that there are many people out there who have us in their thoughts and prayers and it really means a lot right now.

The unanswered question

Why??? A question that we have to just leave sometimes knowing that our Heavenly Father knows what is best. Not always an easy answer to stomach though is it.

I had the worst dr appt today I think that anyone can have. At least I know it's the worst I've ever had to have. When you go in excited to hear the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine only to find out that the baby is no longer alive. That sweet little spirit that you've really started to get excited about has gone back to live with our Heavenly Father again. I know that I'll see that child of mine again someday, but right now it doesn't really make this any easier. It's amazing how carrying a child for such a short time can have an impact on you as a mother. Even though I have 2 perfectly healthy girls, my heart still aches terribly for the loss.

I have so many emotions running through me right now and I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode on someone. At first I was left in the ultrasound room and then I was taken to wait in another room... and wait and wait and wait. Seriously?!! You tell me that I've lost the baby and then put me into another room bawling and expect me to wait forever- No! I don't want to be here- I want to leave and cry and curl into a little ball until the pain goes away. I was so angry about how long I had to wait to see my dr. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's not anyone's fault, especially not my drs. Still didn't change how I felt though. I was so lucky to have Tim there with me. He had come for the ultrasound and there was no way I could drive home after all of that. I feel bad because I was upset for him acting so calm about everything. But I guess I can't expect him to feel the same way as I do, especially because I was the one carrying the baby and filled with my crazy hormones. And after all has happened I feel very blessed that he was able to keep calm and collected about everything because we have 2 little angels that need to be taken care of still. Right now I love him more than ever, especially for being my rock through this.

I think part of what makes this harder is that I'm techincally still pregnant right now. I still look like I'm pregnant- yes I'm showing already- and feel like I"m pregnant. I still have the crazy hormones in me and I'm an emotional wreck. There was a 5 wk old baby that showed on the ultrasound so I'm still waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen- there I said it- miscarriage. That word is so hard for me to deal with right now. And then I'm at risk for an infection because it should have already happened. I've had some bleeding off and on today, but nothing as to what I should expect yet. So I have to go back into the dr in another week and a half to make sure things have happened and if not we have to use other methods. Great- that's just what I want to think about for the next week and a half. Because everytime I think about it I start crying. Poor Hailey was rubbing my back saying it's ok mommy. What a sweet little thing she is.

Sorry if this offends anyone. It has really helped me to write this all down and I suppose you don't have to read it if you don't want to. Though everytime I think about it I start to cry again. And even being close to Tim makes me cry too because it was our child that I lost. In the end I know that there was nothing I did to make this happen. I'm healthier than I was when I was preg w/ both the girls, I don't drink or smoke, I'm only 26, exercise regularly, and overall live a pretty healthy life. It just wasn't meant to me, but knowing that still doesn't make this any easier right now. So little one- mommy misses you already. I never got to see your sweet face or snuggle you to sleep, but I KNOW I will meet you one day. That's probably the one thing that is taking the edge off of the pain in my heart right now. That and knowing that I have an amazing husband and girls who are always there for me.

My dumbstick is back

Yep I've gotten hit again with the dumbstick- when you turn into a bumbling idiot who forgets why then came into a room and I lose my train of thought more times than I can count...

Yep we're expecting again. Monster #3 is on the way. I'm a little over 9 wks now and have an ultrasound on Friday to confirm due dates- right now it's April 6th- and make sure there's only one of these aliens inside me. Yep I'm showing. Yep I've had to wear maternity pants since 6 weeks- yikes! My skinny pants- well skinny for me at least- stopped fitting then. And I tried to wear my fat pants, but they looked ridiculous because they fit my fat expanding waist, but the legs were about twice the size of my actual legs so I had to bust out my prego wear. Ahhh so much more comfy. I tried to get a pic, but taking one yourself is practically impossible. Even with my self times I'm never happy with what I get. So far I've felt way better than I did with either of the girls. A little nausea at times, but totally manageable. I'm not sad to say that Mr. John hasn't been my best friend- yay! Just insanely tired- I hit 1-2pm and I'm a grouchy mama who needs a nap- NOW! Still working out a few times a week though- yay for me. So that's probably the real story why I haven't blogged much. Trying to keep this a secret has been near impossible, especially when you show as early as I do.

Better watch what I say

Wow it's been quite a while since I've been on here. Bad me. Oh well guess summer has been busy for me.

So fast forward to today. Now I have to preface this with saying that I get easily agitated when i'm driving with other drivers- particularly the stupid ones. Occasionally things slip from my mouth- gasp- but nothing too bad. Well today we're ( me and the girls) are sitting at a long red light. No cars were moving yet and I hear Hailey in the back "Gooooo.... goooo.... goooooo stupid lady". Clear as day she said that- ok I had to quietly laugh a little- you know you would too. Then of course I had to tell her not to talk like that. Hmmm I wonder who she learned that from?!! Guess I'd better start zipping my lips more often, haha!